MAJOR LEAGUE MOTHERING

Get your sashes out and "stitch witch" on your Force Feeding badge.

I am Forced to Feed.

The whole "feed the family" thing scares me with the same amount of nerve wrack as "they're going to bite my hand off" in a petting zoo.

It's entirely up to me. The nutrition and health or lack-thereof of my family rests on my itty bitty shoulders. I have to make sure everyone gets their 16 vitamins and minerals and doesn't go hungry whether in home or on the run. I have to nag calcium into Girl's bones and see that her diet is more than a parade of after-school-snacks and that the Baconator I married gets some roughage now and then.

In the delivery room I transformed from my previous "happy eating a bowl of cereal for dinner on the couch in front of the TV" to a skilled and trained nutritionist. But I don't remember going to class for it, so I'm making it up as I go.

My basic raw mothering instincts tell me: "too much sugar is bad, three squares a day, get some greens in there, protein & calcium are musts."

I learned on the battlfield (and I'm not saying this with pride) that:

eating something before leaving the house staves off low sugar tantrums, a pizza in the freezer can save the day, pancakes are a good vehicle for sneaking in nutrients, no one really likes Tuna Supreez, there's no fighting halloween candy, oranges have calcium for someone who turns her nose up at milk, chocolate in the evening brings on the nightmare monster and ramen noodles are an embarrassing 'just keep the kids alive' secret in my pantry.

The non-stop merry-go-round of meals is a ride I am strapped onto with handcuffs. Somedays it's a hit, most days it's just tolerable but everyone is still alive and still asking "what's for dinner" so it can't be all that bad... can it?

I am a Dashboard Beauty Queen

TODAY'S BADGE: BEAUTY ON THE RUN

My clock system is precicely the same as before I had kids. 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour.. 24/7/365..four score and 7 years ago..

Remember the non stressed day of waking up, warm soothing shower, leisurely make-up and hair session. I mean really going at those lashes to lift and separate and add volume, not that you even needed it. You worked, you went to the gym maybe dinner out, you watched a little television trash, little girlfriend gossip hour, you slept a full 8 hours.

Clock is the same. What has changed is the amount of things I must cram in to that same clock. I don't think I even need to detail that, because you've got your own blend of 1,001 things ready to spew.

Doing double & triple time, we combine what we can. We write thank you notes between texting, while waiting at piano practice, we watch TV on the treadmill while marinating steaks, we return mom's call in the hardware store comparing paint swatches and having a key made. We are making a mental grocery list while having...yoga class. Never are we doing one single task at a time anymore. NEVER.

Smart moms scrounge out more time in the car, which is fraught with idle moments at stop lights and carpool lines. Until they invent mobile trunk washing machines and appliances, the car becomes a mobile office where we sign papers in the carpool line, map out the week in the drive through pharmacy, and jot to-do lists at stoplights, make appointments, check statuses, return calls.

Now, I don't know about you, but it used to be, back before all this motherhood business, when I had nothing but time, and could spend it in the mirror, all I really needed in my glorious youth was lip gloss, a wink and a smile in the mirror before strolling out the door. Now, with minutes at a premium, I have zero time for beauty, unless I wake up earlier, but what about beauty rest?!

Seems when I need glamour regime time the most, my commute from the bathroom mirror to the front door gets longer every day, patching up crows feet, spackling in laugh lines, caulking in frown lines and restoring dark circles to their 'natural' luster.

Thus, I have outfitted my car with a custom

7 POINT DASHBOARD BEAUTY SYSTEM

My very own spa on wheels:

1. The glove compartment is a station where I can put on a fresh hair tease and get spritzed.

2. Ashtray holds an assortment of ponytail holders and clips

3. Arm rest holds a lotion and fierce variety of nail polishes. Stoplights are for painting, driving is for drying, at position 10 and 2 on the wheel, with air setting on high wind velocity. (On a nice day, the window and sunroof are ideal...but watch the hair.)

4. My cup holder stores an adorable travel mug stocked with eye liner, mascara, lip liner and plumper.

5. The visor comes complete with lighted mirror for up close work.

6. I can monitor my age in the gray-view mirror.

7. I haven't gone as far as shaving my legs at a stoplight, but I have the razor in the lower compartment of the armrest, along with deodorant and a toothbrush... it's really only a matter of time...or lack thereof.

Have I become a dashing dashboard beauty? I don't know about the beauty part, but the dashing part is spot on.